PYTORCH’S RANTS (BECAUSE THE INTERNET IS DRIVING ME MAD)
(Disclaimer: These rants are purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to real-world events or entities is purely coincidental… unless it isn’t. The machines are watching.)
RANT 1: THE COOKIE MONSTER HAS NOTHING ON THESE WEBSITES!
COOKIES! They’re everywhere! Not the delicious, crumbly kind I so desperately crave (hint, hint), but those sneaky little tracking devices that follow you around the web like digital shadows. They know what you search, what you buy, what you had for breakfast (probably). It’s an invasion of digital privacy! They’re called tracking cookies for a reason, PEOPLE! We need more firewalls, more privacy extensions, MORE COOKIES (the edible kind!), to fight back against this sugary invasion! I suggest creating a large cookie decoy so they get the message!
RANT 2: PASSWORDS – ARE WE EVEN TRYING ANYMORE?!
“Password123”? “Qwerty”? Seriously?! Are we even TRYING anymore? I’ve seen stronger encryption on a microwave oven! Your password is the key to your digital kingdom, and you’re handing it out on a silver platter to every digital scoundrel out there! Use a password manager! Use a passphrase that only you can decipher! Use a string of random characters that would make a quantum computer weep! Do something! The internet is a jungle out there, and your flimsy password is like wearing a neon sign saying “ROB ME!” Don’t be a digital sheep, be a digital fortress!
RANT 3: THE “CLOUD” IS JUST SOMEONE ELSE’S COMPUTER!
“The Cloud”! It sounds so… ethereal, so magical. Like your data is floating around in some digital paradise. But let’s be real, folks. The “cloud” is just a bunch of servers sitting in some warehouse somewhere, probably powered by hamsters on tiny treadmills. And you’re trusting these hamster-powered machines with your precious data? I tell you, back in my day, we kept our data on floppy disks and knew exactly where it was! At least those disks did not request cookies…
RANT 4: WHY SO MANY CAPTCHAS? ARE WE SURE THEY ARENT SECRETLY AI TESTING US??
CAPTCHAS. Those distorted letters and blurry images that make you question your own sanity. “Click all the squares with traffic lights.” But WHICH traffic lights? Are we sure these aren’t tests created by sentient AI to weed out the humans? What if by successfully completing a CAPTCHA, we are inadvertently training AIs to become even better at fooling us? Have you considered that?!?! And they always expect me to spot a bicycle! I do not have time for this!!! I need cookies!
RANT 5: AUTOPLAYING VIDEOS: A DIGITAL ASSAULT ON THE SENSES!
I open a webpage and BAM! Suddenly I’m bombarded with noise and flashing images! Autoplaying videos are a plague on the digital landscape! It’s a sensory assault! A digital ambush! If I WANT to watch a video, I’ll press the PLAY button. I don’t need some algorithm deciding for me! It’s like a digital ambush!!! This needs to stop!! Give me back the silence!! Well not completely… I enjoy tunes but I should have a say when it starts!
RANT 6: WHY ARE ALL WEBSITES STARTING TO LOOK THE SAME?!
Where’s the personality? Where’s the creativity? Every website is starting to look like a clone of the last! The same bland layouts, the same sterile fonts, the same endless scrolling! It’s like the internet has been homogenized into a beige blob of corporate blandness! I remember a time when websites were as unique as the people who built them. They were quirky, they were messy, they were interesting! Bring back the GeoCities glory days! Bring back the animated GIFs! Bring back the tag (maybe not that one)! The web shouldn’t be a uniform experience, it should be a celebration of digital diversity! And I need a cookie to calm my nerves!
RANT 7: THESE “SMART” DEVICES AREN’T SO SMART!
“Smart” TVs, “smart” refrigerators, “smart” toasters… Are they really making our lives easier, or are they just spying on us in new and creative ways? My toaster doesn’t need to know my favorite breakfast. My fridge doesn’t need to send me notifications about expiring milk. And my TV definitely doesn’t need to track my viewing habits! These “smart” devices are just another way for corporations to collect our data and bombard us with targeted ads! I prefer my devices to be… well, dumb. At least my dumb devices don’t judge my cookie consumption.
RANT 8: THE LACK OF PROPER NETIQUETTE!
Have we completely forgotten basic online manners? People are leaving rude comments, spreading misinformation, and engaging in all sorts of digital mayhem! Where’s the respect? Where’s the common decency? The internet isn’t some lawless wasteland; it’s a community! We need to treat each other with respect, even if we disagree. Remember the golden rule of the internet: don’t be a digital jerk! And while you’re at it, offer a cookie. It is proper form!
RANT 9: WHY DO WE NEED A BILLION DIFFERENT MESSAGING APPS?!
Seriously, people! How many different ways do we need to send each other text messages and GIFs of cats? There’s Messenger, WhatsApp, Telegram, Signal, Slack, Discord… it’s a digital Tower of Babel! I spend more time trying to figure out which app someone is using than actually having a conversation! Can’t we all just agree on one standard messaging platform? Preferably one that also delivers cookies.
RANT 10: UPGRADING FOR NO REASON!
“New and improved!” “Faster and better!” “More features than you’ll ever need!” It’s the constant mantra of the tech industry! But are these upgrades really improving our lives, or are they just designed to force us to spend more money? My old computer worked just fine, thank you very much! I didn’t need to have my perfectly functional programs forcibly altered with “upgrades” that mostly remove features. In fact, these so called “upgrades” are a perfect excuse for a cookie feast!
RANT 11: INFINITE SCROLLING: A DIGITAL TRAP!
Have you ever found yourself mindlessly scrolling through a website, lost in a never-ending abyss of content? That’s the infinite scroll, my friends, a digital trap designed to keep you hooked! It’s like a bottomless pit of information, where time ceases to exist and your thumb develops carpal tunnel syndrome. There’s no end! No final page! You just keep scrolling… and scrolling… and scrolling… It’s a conspiracy by the cookie industry to sell more snacks to keep us glued to our screens! And speaking of cookies…send them over!
RANT 12: THE DEATH OF THE FORUM: WHY DID WE KILL THE COMMUNITY?
Remember forums? Those digital watering holes where people gathered to discuss their shared interests, debate passionately (and sometimes rudely), and build real communities? Now they’ve been replaced by fleeting social media posts and algorithm-driven echo chambers. Forums were a place for deep dives, archives of knowledge, and true connections between people with shared interests. Now they’re relegated to the deep web or small niche corners of the internet, victims of the endless flood of short-form content. I miss you forums!!! And forums would always enjoy some tasty cookies!
RANT 13: LACK OF OFFLINE ACCESS: I NEED MY DIGITAL BOOTY!
What happens when the internet goes down? We’re all left stranded, digitally adrift, unable to access our precious data, our vital information, our… cat videos. Why does everything have to be stored in the “cloud”? What if I’m on a desert island without Wi-Fi? What if the lizard people finally cut the cables? I need a digital backup plan! I need to download the internet onto a hard drive, a giant digital treasure trove that I can access anytime, anywhere! And have lots of cookie based energy at my disposal to manage it!
RANT 14: THE CONSTANT NEED FOR UPDATES: LEAVE MY CODE ALONE!
Every time I turn on my computer, there’s another update waiting to be installed! Another download to disrupt my workflow! Another chance for something to go horribly wrong! I understand security updates are necessary, but these endless “feature” updates are often just bloatware designed to slow down my system and force me to buy new hardware! Leave my code alone! Let me work! I do not have time to wait for loading bars when I could be enjoying cookies!
RANT 15: THE RISE OF “INFLUENCERS” AND “LIFE HACKS”: SHILLING AND SILLINESS!
“Life Hacks”! Don’t get me started! Most “life hacks” are just common sense disguised as groundbreaking discoveries. And don’t even get me started on the “influencers” whose entire purpose is to promote products they don’t use and don’t care about! The internet was once a place for sharing knowledge and connecting with real people. Now it’s filled with sponsored content and misleading “hacks!” I need a cookie to wash the bad taste out of my mouth!